By Stephanie Chilton -
It is unlikely that you reached the age of 40 or above without you or someone that you are close to experiencing domestic violence.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
- Intimate partner violence affects more than 12 million people every year
- Over 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime
- Almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime
The Domestic Violence Awareness Project website states that “Domestic violence is best understood as a pattern of abusive behaviors–including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks as well as economic coercion–used by one intimate partner against another (adult or adolescent) to gain, maintain, or regain power and control in the relationship.”
We tend to think of it as an issue that affects other people. It won’t happen to my friends, they wouldn't tolerate it. It won’t happen in my family, we have healthy boundaries. It won’t happen to me, I would just leave.
Until it does. And you don’t.
Some of the strongest women I know have lived through domestic violence. Through them, I have learned some surprising things about domestic violence and abuse.
We minimise it
When someone has the courage to tell us about their experience we’re not afraid to call it abuse. But when it happens to us we tend to minimise it. It only happened once or twice. He didn’t hit me though. I said no, but maybe he didn’t hear me. It was a long time ago, it doesn’t happen anymore.
Coercive control
Many victims are not believed as their perpetrators use the same manipulative charm tactics on the authorities as they did on their victim. Victims are left feeling that they just can’t win. In the UK, according to this BBC article, more than a third of accredited university social work courses in England are not teaching specific training on coercive control. This lack of training makes it almost impossible for victims to safely report their abuse.
Perpetrators are not monsters
At least not all the time. When we picture a perpetrator of domestic violence we picture a monster. This is perpetuated in films and the media. It is called “the monster myth”. However, in the majority of cases, the perpetrator is as normal as you and me, for most of the time. It can take years for them to show their true colors. This can make it very difficult to admit that we are experiencing abuse since the perpetrator is the same person who makes us feel safe, loved, and protected most of the time.
We don’t just leave
You may assume that you would just leave at the first sign of abuse. But what if it starts so gradually that you don’t even notice. Increasing over a number of years in severity and frequency so that it actually becomes normalized in your mind. By this point, you may be dependent on the perpetrator for money, food, shelter, safety, company, and more. You may share children and therefore feel unable to leave in case their father is given unsupervised access.
October has been Domestic Violence Awareness Month since 1989. Despite increasing awareness, it is just as relevant today.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence in the U.S., there are several organizations and resources available for help:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788. They offer confidential support, guidance, and resources.
- Love Is Respect: For younger people in abusive relationships, Love Is Respect provides resources and support. Call 1-866-331-9474 or text "LOVEIS" to 22522.
- Immediate Assistance: In an emergency, call 911
Or if you are UK based:
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): Call 0808 2000 247, available 24/7 for free and confidential support. They also offer live chat services on their website.
- Women’s Aid: Provides advice, support, and links to local domestic violence services. Their website has a Live Chat service and a directory to help find support near you.
- Immediate Assistance: In an emergency, call 999. If you cannot speak safely, press 55 when prompted to connect with the police silently.
If it is safe to do so, you are welcome to share your story here. We hope that it reaches someone who needs to hear it.
